day 1

confused....so many past memories came back again...its like my mind cannot differenciate between past and present...

its a different issue...because the present exist but the past..well..apart from reminiscing...u can only learnt from it and move on...that's what they say, but does everyone do so?


day 2

so far its been bearable...again, i love my final semester....so busy there is no time to breath let alone daydream.

Good.

24 hours is all i need now....im so proud of myself...self hypnosis really works, or rather...giving myself a tight schedule really worked.

let's be realistic.

earth does not meet Pandora here in reality.

reflection of the first week of the new semester

before i know it...one week has past by.

apart from the major pressure prof Sharan gave us by telling us our practical exam is a one time only chance.. and if u fail it u would have to extend....everything seems----hmmm..

first in my life i actually went broke....but i refuse to get money from my dad...i m responsible for over spending and i have to deal with the consequences.

i got my phone bill...pretty bad..let's just say my phone bill gave me a clearer view of things..that if i want to repeat the same mistake i did one year ago i can...only God n i know hw stupid i would be to do that.

here's the funny n painful part. i fell down in public in front of the hospital..on bended knees...haha..what's more some uncle laughed at me..grr...i stood up gracefully only to realise hw bad it hurt the next 2 days...walkin up n down the stairs with ultimate difficulty.

got sick and emo at the same time...sucks to hv fever and tears at the same hour...but water has cooling effect when it evaporates...maybe it was good for my fever.lol

put on extra 2 kgs in one month of holidays..but not to worry...i hv a feeling i wud loose it,again.

was told i m being very desperate...hmm...ouch..

and then i came back for christmas...which was the best thing ever....good thing christmas was this week:)

8 letters 3 words 1 meaning crap

u noe why some people dont say i love you easily? its not because they are waiting for a special moment...its just because they see it as a threat..

that's right...some jerks...some good for nothings would just take advantage of this 8 letters 3 words and one meaning crap...once they hear this from a girl...they know for sure that minimal gestures would secure this girl already...

and so...begans their joy ride and the girl's nightmare...

he calls...whenever he feels like it..and he replies, whenever he feels like it...and leaves the girl in constant puzzlement on what she did wrong or if he has someone new...

she calls, and it felt so pathetic, but she does it anyway...wondering...and telling herself this is the last time she does that...but it wont be...now that this guy knows she would call...there goes his ego rise...

and after 6 months...of still wondering...she finally gave up...and said she felt that this guy is taking her for a ride....

wonder what gave it away, genius.....

thinking about getting myself some nice sunflowers....wondering

what's your definition of love

read a very good blog yesterday and got me to thinking that we really, in fact, tell out the word love without giving much thoughts about what sort of contract we are commiting ourselves into...i for that matter don't know much about love and to me saying out the words i love you should be..impulsive...said at the moment u just wished that person would be yours and you just felt that you want to do everything within your power to make this person happy...but i was wrong.

dont get me wrong its not because i got my heart broken again hence this post, on the contrary, i actually have been having super happy feelings recently..haha

coupled with too much time in hand, i sat and thought about under what circumstances do you have, the right to tell a person i love you...here goes..

1) u are ready to be in a relationship with this person without thinking of the "what ifs"...like what if someone better comes along..nobody is perfect...but to the person u r saying i love you to...he/she is perfect.

2) you would go through thick and thin with this person regardless of whatever crisis he/she faces...eg: you do not dump a guy after he losses his job and all financial security....you motivate him to move on and tell him, that the reason he should be stronger is cz u r b his side. but then again one must be caution because some people are leeches and are more than happy if you are willing to bring the bacon home.but that aside...be there for this person and believe in them.

3) you have selfless love in you for this person.all you want is for this person to be happy, with or without you in his/her life.

4) you love every single thing in this person, from the way this person laughs, his slang, his hair, ths way he sounds in the morning after waking up ...even up to the way he gets angry and wiggles his way to get an apology frm u...u like and love evrything about him...and cant imagine a day without the presence of this person in your life..

5) that you know that this person isn't just to cure your lonely life or a replacement for a previous heartbreak...when you know that if this person choose not to be in your life you would not even think of being with another...because no one can replace him..

and so many more....
but then again different people have different perspective in love and that's fine. but if two people possibly thinking of getting into a relationship together have different definitions in love...can it work? im not talking about a fling here people...im talkin long term investment, i want to marry you n hv little babies, that sort of thing...

2 people with totally different personalities can make a relationship work due to the excitment of discovering each other...its refreshing and interesting...but different point of views in a relationship? how about that?

of tiramitsus and pavlovas

went out with the usual gang today night and had the most satisfying dinner ever!...
so hungry that when i munched into that mouth of tiramitsu....i felt so contented...little things in life are starting to suprisingly make me feel happy...yohoooo!

a close to 4 year relationship with my fellow coursemates have made me treassure those who stood by me and know who i shouldn't have trusted. people who's first impression failed to make me like them are now my dear supper/yum cha/ ktv buddies...such is life when good things come when u least expected them...:)

today's dinner was full of fun and madness...and i cant imagine that next year this time we would soon be far apart from each other...all of you hold a special place in my heart...for all the joy u guys brought in my life...for the support u guys gave when i was at my lowest point...the only regret i have is why we have not bonded since the begining of our course...and only when we are close to graduating...

nevertheless...another half a year is left...and promise, we shall make the best of it...GROUP HUGSSSSS

just right

yesterday was a suprise..anticipation of being emo was actually not what had happened..but only the total opposite...everything, was just right:)

the ammount of havoc in the clinic adding up me being busy with thesis, might be overwhelming for some ppl..but for me i never felt so in love with clinics and classes before...it was just right the ammount before i went crazy..

the performance at night was just right...the wheather, the dinner and the company of a fren..just right to complete my night..

the sad love song playing on the radio was just right too...suprisingly...just right the ammount to make me smile while closing my eyes thinkin of all the silly antics i did to make myself get over everything...as i close my eyes and drink in the song...i realised i don't feel even an ounce of sadness..everything yesterday was too good too be emo over..:)

i guess hapiness which is truly from within last the longest...this kind of feeling of being in a good mood not because im in love feels great...

and i plan to keep this just right feeling for long, for good.

cheers

forgiveness

"forgiveness does not alter the past but enlarges the future..."

saw this message on a video today..found it rather meaningful..

this young man was hurt so much by his father that no man could ever endure..and yet in the end he decided to forgive...

but how do you know if u have forgiven a person?

how does forgiveness help u recover....?

sometimes i just feel that ppl forgive just to make themselves feel noble..deep down have they really moved on i wonder...

dream a little dream of me

according to John Hughlings Jackson, an english neurologist, sleep serves to sweep away unnecessary memories and connections from the day. it has some correlation to the "reverse learning theory" that states that dreams are like the cleaning-up operations of computers when they are off-line, removing parasitic nodes and other "junk" from the mind during sleep.

i was having silly nightmares over a particular something for 3 concecutive days and its bugging me so that i decided to google dreams..i refuse to believe that u dream of something when u constantly think of it...i constantly think of food...i dont see myself dreaming of eating anyways..

after seeing this explanation, it made more sense as to why i dreamt of the same object with different themes..

simple, clearing all junks that has accumulated in my brain for ever so long requires alot of time..and since i conciously have not made an effort..my subconcious mind is doing the dirty job..*sounds so crappy..*..by nyways i guess that explains it..

im just wondering how much longer does this take..im kinda sick of the feeling waking up feeling so distressed...spoils my day la..ughhh

*praying to God....faster faster clear up the junk laaa*

挚爱的姐姐

姐姐，想告诉你，我真的很感激你。。。你在我笔记簿留下的字迹是我最珍惜的礼物。每一字每一句都深深烙在我心里。你是如此地关心我，把你最痛的经验毫无保留地与我分享，要我别犯同样的错。亲爱的姐姐，因为你的珍惜与信任，让我真的很感动。至少，你能让我在你最低落的时候陪在你身边。真的很爱你，就像亲姐妹一样，我好想好想保护你。看到你流泪，我的心真的好痛。看到你如此珍惜我买给你的上衣，更是甜进我的心里。我很担心你，我知道你经历一段非常不愉快的感情，我却无法贴切地安慰你，因为我的感情世界只有空白。我无法走进你心里，去感受那种痛。可是我却深深地感受到，看到你伤心难过又爱莫能助的痛。看着我们假期拍的照片，多想留住你那灿烂的笑容。。。你是多么地漂亮，迷人。忍心让你如斯难过的人，根本不值得你去留恋。你却告诉我，你不能习惯没有他的日子，无论是甜蜜还是痛苦的日子，都布满了他的足迹。。。可是，半夜里，当你在默默地流泪的当儿，他又在哪里呢？他可关心过你？或许，爱情和理智根本无法共存。所以，当你用理智去结束这一段感情时的痛苦我能理解。顿然，我领悟到，我的安慰是多余的，我的劝告，更是无法抹去你心中的痛。我只有，也只能安静地陪着你，一步一步地走出那段阴影。想告诉你，前十个月里，有他陪伴在你身边，累积的脚印，再深，都只有十个月。。。可是，我一直都默默地随你在后，只要你往后看，你的生活里，不是只有他的足迹，也布满了我们从小到大二十年的足迹，还有你生命里爱你的朋友和家人。每一个人，无时无刻都在你生命里留下爱的足迹。亲爱的姐姐，你并不孤单，你的生命是七彩的，你拥有的，是你无法估计的爱。任何时候，只要你需要，我都会在你身边。当你无助，迷茫的时候，转过身，算一算，你就会知道，他的足迹，在成千上万的足迹里，是如此的微不足道。。姐姐，我把我最真诚的祝福留给你，答应我，无论这一段路途有多漫长，让我陪你一起走，我们一起加油，一步一步地走向幸福之路。“人生最大的幸福并非是有一条平顺舒坦的路，而是在坎坷的路上得到别人的关心和照顾。最大的快乐不是没有眼泪的生活，而是有群为你擦眼泪的朋友。。。”永远爱你的妹妹上

check out the level of maturity my little sister has...touching letter on telling me that she is by my side through thick or thin..love ya:)

cancerous love

at first, all it had was a lump...so mild, so subtle that it was hardly noticed..everything else was so perfect that it wasn't an issue.

then it became a bigger lump that was unavoidable...

it started as an intial stage, turned into the final stage as months pass by

and before you know what hit u..you are at this point where everything started to become to severe just because i chose to ignore it in the first place

in this terminal stage of this tumour...it was full of pain, full of misery and full of suicidal thoughts and everything would have been so much easier if early treatment was given..

at last...even though u try your best to avoid it...and even if u think treatment would create miracles, it didnt anyways..

in the end..your mind chose to bail out on you and left your heart pumping..on life support..but was it worth it..when all there is, is a lifeless body attached to a machine..if there is no point of living, why hold on to it...

it has reached to this level..and u noe, no miracle would make this suferer alive and well again as before..its over..to make things easy,getting off the life support would be a good idea...if u wanna leave,leave with dignity and respect

but im still in the life support stage...contemplating if i should turn off the machine..wondering if turning off the machine would turn off everything else connected to it..

but i should know better..being in a life support machine, it takes up alot of energy,alot of resources wasted, and for what? just so that its consoling to know that it's alive?

i should know better that when the terminal stage was at its end i should have learnt to let it go...

*im sorry if this post offended anyone..the "it" was my L@#E..

rainy afternoon

its raining heavily nw and im in starbucks with my favourite vanilla latte(that's right, this is my fav nw) and the jazz music playing at the back ground is so delightful...

if there were no annoying little monsters around...today afternoon would be so pleasant..

lovely day to sit and read something nice n meaningful..bt i have to do asignments..speaking of which..need to get back to it nw..:(

carl and ellie

went to watch this movie last saturday...and it was indeed so touching...i want this..i want a "carl and ellie" in my life as well..i'll keep praying and hoping for it:)




love this...lying there with your soulmate..

a life together:)

a love like theirs is worth everything in this lifetime..something to die for,even...i want this...:)

emak garang

today is the first time in my 22 years i kena teruk from my mum...and although i was shocked...i laughed after,....my mum loves me so much la...*awwww*

i guess i don't have any self control and i always have lame excuses to back my actions. in the end i should wake up and realise that it really doesn matter anymore wheather i get a valid answer or wheather doing sth wud make me better..cz nothing can change the fact that it's done with,no turning back.

im glad my mum called n gave me a "wake up call"...made me realise my loved ones just cnt stand to watch me self destruct myself...and i shudn't also..i keep standing still in the same spot when 3 weeks has already pass by before i know it.

*smacking myself*...time to wake up...:)

Famous last words

gosh at this moment i feel so wonderful...its like a big stone is lifted from my heart

i don't want this feeling to fade...pls pls pls let me have this kind of feeling forever..

i m not afraid to keep on living,

i am not afraid to walk this world alone,

honey if stay u'll be forgiven,

nothing you can say can stop me going home

~famous last words...cheers!!!